A chicken does not scratch the ground with both legs simultaneously
It is ridiculous for hunters to argue about selling the skin of a lion when they have not yet killed the lion
Never give a dog a second bone until he has finished the first one.
However small the pepper it will always have sharp taste
You can never grow older than your parents however hard you try
If you want to know the importance of your legs try standing on your head
Only a tortoise knows where to bite another tortoise
You cannot befriend a leper and shun his hand shake
It is easier to wake up a person who is asleep than a person who pretends to be asleep.
You cannot make yourself taller by wearing a high hat
He who is dissatisfied with the position of the moon should climb up to move it.
When a mad man walks around naked, it is his children who feel ashamed, not himself.
A dead man does not arrange his own funeral
At the tribunal of foxes, the chickens are always guilty
He who beats a drum for a mad man to dance is no better than the mad man himself
The bee that has honey in its mouth also has a sting in its tail
Trouble is never sold but it can be bought
When there is a crack in the wall the lizard has a chance to come in
Since all lizards lie on their stomachs it is difficult to know which ones have stomach aches.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There's no sense in being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning.
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
Inflation is a result of legalized counterfeiting.
You might be staring at this screen for awhile
You cannot achieve the impossible without the absurd.
Happiness can't buy money.
The entire purpose of some people's lives is to serve as a warning to others.
If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
Research causes cancer in rats.
It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.
Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a better defense.
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake you've made it again.
Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.
A shower is the halfway point between bed and world.
Did you ever stop to think, and then forget to restart?
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go because, man, they're gone.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
What you are is what you have been, and what you will be is what you do now
You are not your thoughts
If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy?
If you don't pay an exorcist do you get repossessed?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant.
Could it be that some of those trick-or-treaters dressed in sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Imagine a goat. It's like that, only different...
5% of people make things happen, 10% of people watch things happen, and the other 85% ask "What happened?
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I used to get more than I paid for, but that cost me way too much.
There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.
Initiative comes to those who wait.
Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms, they'll call you crazy
If you've had half as much fun reading this as I've had writing it, well then, I've had twice as much fun as you, haven't I?
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Have you ever wondered why cows can fly so high in the sky?
Must all wheels turn from left to right or can some go whichever way they wish?
90% of all tornadoes in the US spin counterclockwise, so you know you�re lucky if you see one spinning clockwise.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawy.
Me, poor man, my library was dukedom large enough.
A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.
I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. ~ J.D. Salinger
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.~ Friedrich Nietzsche
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250
There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
Things are only impossible until they're not.
Two Great Rules of Life : 1. Never tell everything at once.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top .
Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?
If you eat a huge plate of chesse ravioli and are really stuffed, don't order the tiramisu. Also, be sure to tip well (we did) because you might see your waitress on the train later that night (we did). ~ FiF
Nothing succeeds like a parrot with no teeth
Chickens appear healthier and happier and lay more eggs when farmers play music to them
Forget about World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Hard work pays off in the future. But laziness pays off right now.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
I once changed the world � then some clown went and fixed it.
"Too soon old. Too late 'schmartz.'"
When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
Did you know when you spread out your arms and run around wildly in public, your T-shirt will actually look like a "T"? Go ahead... try it!
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
All my life I've wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
The probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
Please use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Needless to say, we were excited -- even more than a plaid-clad bacon salesman at a pork-day parade.
Garage bands rule. Start your own.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach
it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
A lot of trouble in this world is caused by combining a narrow mind with a
wide mouth.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one notices it when you are.
Some people hold the key to the situation, and then are too lazy to turn it.
He who laughs last probably intended to tell the story himself.
There is just as much horse sense as ever, but it seems like the horses have
it all.
Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.
No one is as busy as the person who has nothing to do.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets
angry, he'll be a mile way - and barefoot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The trouble with self-made men is that they worship their creator.
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few people
engage in it. (Henry Ford)
Then there's those non-euclidean people.
Chaos always wins, because it's better organized.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the
pessimist fears this is true.
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